Anxiety Chats
For today's post I decided to step away from the baking and beauty and get little bit more serious.
I feel like I should say I'm writing this at 2am after watching Zoella's latest vlogmas (yes! I know that was over a month ago, I had loads of blog posts scheduled before this!) But her message made me feel so inspired and sparked something in me so I just had to write about it and share it- especially since at the moment I feel like my anxiety is beginning to take over.
What is anxiety?
So, for those who aren't completely familiar with what anxiety is I will try to explain it as best as I can - although I'm still learning myself and anxiety is such a personal thing that effects people individually in so many ways (making it even more difficult to explain!) Anxiety to me is a persistent worry and a feeling of dread, this can sometimes be about something in particular (ie. having too much work to do or talking to new people) but can also (often!) be about nothing at all - there are so many times that I'm just going about my day in my house and all of a sudden Im in tears and can't explain to my boyfriend why I am sobbing!! Mainly my anxiety is based on other people's view of me and I can't help but feel like EVERYONE is watching and judging my every move! (this is obviously not the case however, it's difficult as an anxious person to see past that!) Obviously as anxiety effects people in different ways there are so many other examples of anxiety but I won't sit and talk about all of them, because this post is getting longer by the minute!!
My story...
Anxiety is something that has effected me for as long as I can remember, however, it was not until last year that I actually started to label it as an 'anxiety disorder.' I was always a worrier as a child and teenager, often becoming shy in front of people to the point wh
ere my heart would beat so fast I'd become light headed, I would also find it dificult to shop in a busy town by myself - as I would believe that everyone who walked past was judging me. But it wasn't until last year that I built up the confidence to admit that I am a sufferer of anxiety (ironic I know!) and now that I have a little more knowledge on it, I can look back on past and see that my actions as a child and teen were probably down to an anxiety disorder.
I finally came down to the conclusion that I have anxiety because during my first year of university my levels of anxiety were getting out of control and people were beginning to notice more and more. Obviously as any typical student I would go out drinking (...way too much!) It started of as fun and I would often stay out until the morning dancing and drinking with my friends perfectly fine! I can't remember the exact night it happened but I started to get panic attacks every time I got drunk - like they were REALLY bad... to the point where I would cry down the phone to my boyfriend for hours, begging him to drive over to my house because I NEEDED him! (he lived 2 hours away...) After the attack I could obviously see that this is completely irrational, but when you're panicing its really difficult to think rationally. I panicked about 20 times in around 2 months because I wanted to drink and be a normal student and every time I believed that I could get through the night without an attack. My anxiety in general began to worsen too, to the point where I would miss University because I didn't want to leave the house - or my bedroom at all.
So after 6 months I decided it was about time I seeked help, (ironically I was worried about going to the doctors.. to get help for worrying...) I booked an appointment with my doctor who gave me helpful advice and hotline numbers I can call. She also thought it would suit me to be on tablets - at first I was a bit reluctant to use them, mainly because I didn't was to become dependant of them (you know, strong indepenent woman and all that!) but I did try them and they actually really helped me.
My anxiety lessened until about 2 months ago, where it came back in a different way. I haven't had a panic attack in a long while - since I've agreed with myself that I can't handle getting drunk anymore. But at the moment I'm finding it diffucult to leave my hosue because I think I've made my house my comfort zone, I find it really easy to skip university because I don't want to leave my comfort zone. I also turn down so many plans with my friends and have grown to not have much of a social life at all. (to be honest, I don't mind this at all, because I do like to be by myself) However, Zoe's vlog has really inspired me to do something about it again! She talked about how you shouldn't just deal with anxiety you should try to overcome it - yes you can cover the anxiety over with tablets but it's not going to cure you! She also mentioned how you can't let anxiety define and control you, you should control your anxiety - this really hit home because I do honestly feel like I'm drowning in my anxiety sometimes, I've lost my social life and I am beginning to lose my grades because I can't stand up to the silly irrational thoughts in my head!
Zoella
Zoella was such a help to me when I was first discovering that I might have anxiety so I will link her videos and blog posts below, if you or someone you know is suffering with anxiety or thinks they might be, I urge you to read through her blog posts and watch her videos - they truly insprired me to seek help and helped me to come to grips with the fact that I do have anxiety disorder.
Also, I'm always up for a chat if any of you need advice, I'm always around on twitter (@simplylifemy) I would love to have a chat and help some of you out or even just remind you that you aren't alone! :)
Love, Jemma x